It was something small. Really, I believe the thought went something like this (though not quite as complete... you know how you can have just enough of a thought to get the idea... oh never mind, just trust me): "More things my Auntie and I have in common, and I'm the favorite niece" after which quickly followed "Oh don't be so stupid, like it's a big deal" (I'm not usually very nice or patient with myself). That's it. Nothing huge. And yet the thought that followed hard on the heels of the 'Oh don't be so stupid' thought 'Man, I wish I could cut' (I purposefully did not bring a razor blade with me -I'm away from home this weekend-... hard decision, let me tell you)!?!
Why? It was such a tiny thing and yet it leads me to thoughts of self harm. Now granted this weekend is a little stressful (my Uncles funeral is tomorrow)... but it's like that all the time any more. Something so small and I want to hurt myself. I don't understand this! And it actually makes me feel worse because I know it's unreasonable. I know it's not right. And it brings me full circle again, wanting to cut, wanting to hurt.
I'm so tired of this. I'm tired of wanting to hurt myself over every little thing. I'm tired of the thoughts of self harm and of suicide that plague me on a daily basis. I don't understand this; I don't understand any of it. And I hate it.
So... how do I make it stop..?
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