Really, don't bother reading this one. It's just full of shit anyway. But if you want to, go ahead; watch me devolve...
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Ugh, I don't want to cry.Lord, it would be wonderful to just lay down and sob.Speaking of 'just laying down and doing something' how about just laying down and dying?That sounds like a good idea.>.< I could burn, it feels like it requires burning.No, I'm trying to limit my self harm.Well who gives a rats ass anyway?No one that I can come up with right now.And why does no one give a rats ass?Why was I suddenly dropped in spite of the fact that I was told several times that it would not happen? Probably my own damn fault.It usually is.Something I didn't do?That's probably it.After all, I'm an adult for crying out loud, I need to take responsibility for my life and such things.There's that paperwork I didn't get in.I sort of thought that after I heard from that guy in Y- that the stuff the gal in my local office gave me wasn't important any more.It's not like it hasn't been two-three weeks since she gave it to me.She hasn't called.That should mean it's no big deal, right?Except that you're supposed to be an adult, dumb ass, so it's your responsibility.I could cut.No, really, cutting won't do it this time, it really feels like a time to burn.And why shouldn't I, when no one cares enough to bother with me?Oh how wonderfully pathetic you sound, and so very borderline.Maybe I should clear out the bottom of the linen closet and squish myself in there; maybe that would help.God in heaven, I'd like to cry right now.Sure fire way to achieve that, just think about Uncle and the last thing you said to him(he was dead though so does that really count?).Oh, that does it.But heaven forbid you allow the tears to fall.Lord what have you done that you can't hardly cry anymore?Why did you ever think that would be a good thing?Answer:I didn't know I was ruining my ability to cry forever.I guess it goes hand in hand with the stunted displays of emotions I seem to show...whatever I'm trying to say;I can't put it in to words but I know what I mean.Geez, look at that picture.How did I ever smile like that?How do I still manage to smile like that, despite feeling like shit 99% of the time?And what is more, how in the world do people not see right through it?*shakes head*I just want to stop existing, that's all.At the very least I want to cease being aware.Does that make sense?If I knew of a way to do that I'd be all over it, let me tell you.I'd just like to shut down my mind.Put it in sleep mode.Ah to sleep forever; to cease awareness.Hmm, I could over dose.*shakes head*I'm not sure I want to do something like that.I just want to stop.To turn off.To tune out.I don't want to distract from one thing with another.I just want to be.To be blank.To be nothing, save maybe 'here'.I'm probably not making sense but again I know what I mean.Geez I want to cry.I want to cry and then I want to stop.Deep sleep mode.I want to sleep and never wake up.It's not like I want to die, exactly; I just want to stop.Unfortunately dying seems to be the only way to do that.Thinking I need to work more on dissociation, heh.'To die, to sleep, to sleep, per chance to dream, no more';I've not written it correctly but this way serves my purposes better anyway.Well who gives a rats ass anyway...
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It's amazing, I could go on... but I won't, at least, not here. In my head it will continue. FML. Job 3:20-26 This passage is not the one we are supposed to focus on, in Job. But here Job and I are in agreement. Here, we understand each other.
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