A Self Harm Tantrum

I have been dropped. For what reason, I do not know, but I haven't heard from anyone in over two weeks. Now I suppose I could just call and see what is up... that would be the most logical thing to do, would it not? *shakes head* No, I can't do that, I'd just be bothering them (these are my thoughts, by the way, forget the fact that I know they're unreasonable) and besides, I'm not sure who I'd ask for. So instead of doing the logical, adult thing, I turn whatever this is that I am feeling (anger? hurt? I don't know what it is, I only know that it doesn't feel good) inward and throw a bit of a 'self harm tantrum'. Because I am not really 27 despite what my birth certificate might say; I am actually seven and I throw tantrums. Thankfully these are not the sort of tantrums most seven year olds throw, that would be horrifying. I cut. I cut. I cut some more (two different cuts, three separate times). I burned. And the pièce de résistance yesterday was when I attempted to break my arm (dropped my heavy coffee table on it three -four?- times. Fail. Pretty sure it's in tact, but it's painful at least as I got some great bruises from it).

None of it helped though, in the long run. None of it was enough. I still want to do something, something to myself (I can't over dose either, because my Uncles funeral is this weekend... but that keeps going through my head as well). I'm not sure why when I am not upset at something I did but rather something that was 'done' to me. And anyway it's stupid because there has got to be some sort of reason I haven't been contacted in over two weeks. The problem is that the logical part of my brain cannot get together with the rest of me, whatever that is (I usually reference the difference between head knowledge and heart knowledge which is my way of referring to the logical portion of myself and the feeling portion (I guess, I'm not exactly sure what the heart bit is but I'm 99% sure it's feeling)). And the 'rest of me', the feeling part is throwing a bit of a tantrum.

It's just too bad I'm not able to satisfy it.