As I lay in the bath, to all appearances (not that anyone is looking at me) out of touch with the world, thoughts of the razor blade, thoughts of pills, tablets, and/or capsules, and thoughts of hanging (it's bad when the third option, hanging, joins the crowd... usually it's just the first two) passed through my mind in a sickening loop and I wonder whether or not I should call the crisis line. I probably won't. I just don't see the point right now.
You see, I'm safe... until I'm not.
I don't see the point in calling and telling someone 'Well, these thoughts keep going through my head. Yeah, I'd sort of like to die; least ways, I'd like to not be alive. But I'm not sure I'd actually do anything. They're just causing me an awful lot of distress is all'. Best case scenario they'd require me to impose on a friend for a night or two (pain in the butt as they have to put up with me invading their privacy, their family, and they'd have to get me back and forth to my place a couple times to take care of the dog and cat). Worst case scenario they'd detain me and the same friends would have to see themselves to my place a few times a day for something like three days to take care of the boys (they might take turns with some mutual friends who live closer to me and do not have kids). So why call if nothing is wrong? If I haven't overdosed or slit my wrists. I've felt like this before and it is miserable but obviously I was safe because I am here writing this today.
Because I am safe... until I'm not.
*shakes head* And people wonder why I don't want to be alive...
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