I'm sorry, you want me to what???

I checked my mail this morning. Out of seven pieces of mail five of them were from DSHS. *shakes head* What a mess this all has become. It really shouldn't be this hard. Again, maybe I should become a drug addict... they don't have nearly the trouble getting help that a mentally ill individual seems to have (with the possible exception of schizophrenia and the like... those can sometimes be a very obvious disability). *considers this* No, I think not. I've heard that withdrawal/detox is a bitch. Besides, why would I want to add to my troubles? *shakes head*

The best news I received (note the dripping sarcasm) was that they apparently want me to apply for SSI. I don't know what that means re:my future (assuming I have on). My goal has always been to get this shattered mess that is my life reassembled so that I can once again be a functioning member of society. To that end, I was looking for something temporary. The DL benefits that I was finally (too late, in my opinion, since it only happened after I took 30 acetaminophen tablets) granted are short term (you may reapply every three months, I believe, but at a year they would prefer you to apply for SSI), bonus there. However what they cover re:mental health is quite limited. In town there is only one practitioner I would be able to see and only one type of therapy I would be allowed, that is CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy) which in and of itself has shown to be of little help to individuals with BPD and can actually do more harm than good. DL benefits do not allow me to see the individual I know best there (and therefor am most comfortable with) and do not cover DBT (Dialectical Behavioral Therapy) which has shown to be immensely helpful to those who are borderline.

So as to my future... what happens if I am actually granted (not that I'm holding my breath, that would be silly and possibly be labeled as 'suicidal behavior' *rolls eyes*) SSI? Does it mean that I am stuck as someone who is disabled for the rest of my life? That's somewhere around 50 years or so! And I honestly do not believe I am stuck there. I believe that both BPD and MDD, properly treated, can be managed, allowing the individual to lead a (relatively) normal and productive life. The problem here is that I do not have access to the services I need in order to receive proper treatment. So left untreated I could very well be stuck in a state of incapacity. Not only that but given the frequency of suicidal behavior in individuals with BPD (something I have displayed on more than one occasion) it is not that unlikely that I could die prematurely by my own hand.

My point there was this: if I can manage to get my life back together with the help of SSI and the programs deemed necessary (DBT, CBT -which, when done with DBT, can be helpful) will I be stuck as someone who is disabled because I received SSI? Is it something that one is on for life? I had dreams once, you know. I would like to once again believe that they are possible. They were stolen from me some years ago. Will this steal them from me a second time (this time for good?)..? I don't know if I could handle that...