I had a long drive this morning giving me plenty of time to think. That's not always a good thing, especially when I'm feeling less than stellar (as I was this morning). Still, one of my musings brought a little bit of enlightenment with it.
I was recalling bits and pieces from my incapacity evaluation yesterday and thinking about what I will do if the powers that be at DSHS tell me no, yet again. It brought to mind the time when B- (the psych) looked at me, at some point during the evaluation, and told me something to the extent that, even if i find myself in the place where death seems like the only option there is always another option. Always. What most struck me (after the fact) was how sincere he was. He really believed what he said. What else struck me was how much I don't believe it. Maybe it's not so much that I don't believe it as... I don't know, I don't feel it? I'm OK with dying. And if it happens sooner rather than later, by my own hand or not, I guess right now I just don't care all that much. I probably should feel badly about that, especially when it seems there are a good handful of people out there that do care. But I don't really feel badly about that either.
No comments:
Post a Comment