A Bald Faced Lie

As I said in my last post, sometime around the end of December last year or the beginning of January this year (I'm a little fuzzy right now as to which it actually is) I applied for what is basically a sort of temporary disability. Mid January of this year I was denied. After a recent call to the local crisis line I was encouraged by the good folks at community mental health to reapply. They themselves have actually been quite helpful where this is concerned, actually. Tonight I went to a mental health evaluation as part of my efforts to get the assistance I believe I am in need of. It wasn't a lot of fun, I can tell you that. I actually cried (something I hate doing) when, at the very first, the guy doing the eval said that he didn't think it looked very promising (thankfully I think he became a bit more convinced as we got in to things a bit more). We covered pretty much everything. We even went into border line personality disorder in some detail after I told him that I didn't quite agree with those who believed I might have that particular axis two diagnosis. That was pretty interesting, actually, and how I came to reluctantly agree. We covered depression (major depressive disorder, recurrent) and cutting and suicidal ideation and all of that good stuff. At the end of the evaluation he told me what he would be telling the powers that be at DSHS (BPD, MD, recurrent) and what he would suggest to them (cognitive behavioral therapy -for the depression- and dialectical behavioral therapy/classes -for the BPD-). He also asked me what I would do if they told me no again. I cannot remember what exactly I told him; probably something along the lines that I haven't thought that far yet. That would be the reason for the title of this entry. Because I am 99% positive I know what I will do if they tell me no again. If they take that last small bit of hope from me one more time.

I know what I'll do...