The Question

I believe the question was 'Do you want anything to change?'. No attitude. No sarcasm. Just an honest question. My answer? I want a lot of things to change. What I didn't tell him is that I don't have a lot of hope for it.

I saw R- again today. I'm not sure I've mentioned but he now works at my doctors office as a 'behavioral health consultant'. All well and good but I'm afraid it will not do me much good. His job consists of behavioral activation sorts of things. You're depressed and not doing much? Get out and do something, regardless of the pull to stay in bed. All well and good, really, but not so helpful when you 'want a lot of things to change'; when you need a lot of things to change. Identifying, experiencing, and sharing emotions won't help that, at least not at first. And as he's suggesting this and that I'm already stressing out over the distress such things would cause. Lately it has been harder to handle distress, you see. The other day I swear every five minutes I wanted to pop a bunch of pills. Not enough that I'd buy the farm. Just some. Lord, just not giving in, wanting to so badly every five minutes... I thought I was going to die (and was honestly a little disappointed it wasn't possible).

Do I want anything to change? Of course I do.

But with the limited help available to me...

I'm running out of hope.