Some years ago I wrote a poem by the same title. The tone of this post, I think, will be rather different. It is me pouring out what I cannot say otherwise; what I cannot get others to understand; what no one will hear.
You, dear ones, are why I am still here. It is you who love and care for me that are the reason for my continued existence. For some time now I have been unable to come up with anything that makes me want to stay. Not even the love I have for you. But knowing the hurt that my death would cause (especially suicide)... that is why I am still here.
I wish I was not.
I'm sorry, loved ones, but that is the honest truth. I pray regularly that God would please erase me from this world; body, soul, and memory. I pray He would make it as if I had never existed. That way no one would be hurt... and I would be free. I have told Him on more than one occasion that, if given the choice, I think I would have opted not to be created in the first place. Not if I knew what was coming. Not if I had known I would spend so much of my time in misery, wishing for death, or just an end, but being unable to help myself along... Because of you.
It is For You that I stay. But I am sorry, treasured ones, it is not something I want to do. I wish most strongly to quiet this earth, this life, once and for all. I have no future. I have no hope.
But I love you all and do not want to hurt you in that way.
And so I stay.
For you.
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