One Of These Days...

I tend to have suicidal thoughts on a regular/semi-regular basis. Comes with being Borderline, I suppose. And sometimes (much of the time) I so badly just don't want to be alive...
(this is nothing new to this blog but... *shrug*)

The other day I was taking the dog out and before I put the leash on him I wrapped it around my neck. Nothing serious because at the very least I still had to take him out. The feeling of 'rightness' and calm and such that I experienced when I did it, though, was unexpected and a little unsettling. Especially since I have realized that I seem to be more serious about suicide when a third option is added to the normal pair that pass through my mind on a regular basis. That third option, incidentally, is hanging.

And today (OK not just today but today I think maybe I'm more likely) I am thinking seriously about overdosing on some 'left over' meds that I have. Not enough to kill myself, just enough to do SOMETHING, you know..? To have some sort of reaction. I am someone who self injures anyway (mostly I cut) but that doesn't feel like what I need/want (not sure which it is so much, it feels like a need, I think, but obviously it is not).

*shakes head* I should probably call the crisis line but if I do that they might put me in the hospital and then I wouldn't have my boys (pets) and I especially need the cat. Not having him cuddled up to me at night, especially if I am on a psych ward, would not help me feel better, to say the least.

I might be OK. I might stay safe. I'm just not sure. I'm safe... until I'm not...